are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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