im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
