I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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