I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
