how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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