I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
