Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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