Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
