I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
