During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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