I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I still have a little drunk in my system
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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