i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
