he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
