Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
