It's Friday. Sex?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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