I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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