This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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