He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
