So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
