just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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