I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
