i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize