I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
