his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
