Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.