I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.