3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
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I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
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Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet