Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.