saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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