i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
