I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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