There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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