I can't breathe out the right side of my face
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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