It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
