So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
