vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
