Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize