i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
