This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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