There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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