Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
