Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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