If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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