I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm sobbing to NWA
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
