My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
