tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
