I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
