Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
