I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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