I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
pray to the hookup gods
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
