He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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