She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i believe in u and ur pee
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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