She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
