Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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