I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
