It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He kissed a someone with a penis
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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