and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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