Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
