Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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