i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
